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First Person, Volume One

by TJ Foster

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1.
I Don't Know 02:51
Oh I wanted so bad to write something upbeat There must be an optimist buried between these old bones I can count on one hand the times I’ve felt secure I remember a time when my heart was still pure, now it’s stone Should I talk to somebody or stay in my head? Find a distraction or just go to bed? I don’t know, I don’t know I don’t think you can help me but maybe you can I need more than a pep talk, more than a hand I don’t know, I don’t know I wish I could articulate all of this pain But it comes out like static, a short in the wires of my brain I’m an old antique dresser without any drawers I’d search for some light but I’m comfortable under the floor Should I talk to somebody or stay in my head? Find a distraction or just go to bed? I don’t know, I don’t know Am I a sucker for sadness or is it one for me? Am I losing my grip on some reality? I don’t know, I don’t know
2.
Brokenfine 04:07
The world is ours, though there’s a lot to feel It’s hard enough to find a light The night is young, so don’t you feel ashamed Keep that flicker to the sky Don’t let ‘em turn, turn the tables Don’t let ‘em make you feel unable to grow It’s alright, you are broken but you are fine The world is ours, let’s let ‘em know We’ll pave our own way through the mud The night is young, so take my hand Let me take away your doubts I’ve been down myself I have had that knife in hand I broke the skin ‘til I saw red It didn’t change a goddamn thing Don’t let ‘em turn, turn the tables Don’t let ‘em make you feel unable to grow It’s alright, you are broken but you are fine
3.
I can’t say I’m a patient man, though I want to be I gotta figure it out What happened to the man I used to be? I feel more like a boy than ever Oh, every now and then I get lonely I couldn’t tell you why And I’ve always got the feeling that something’s about to stop goin’ right It’s been too many nights I’m not sayin’ that it’s easy I’m not sayin’ that it’s tough But there comes a point in every man’s life when enough feels like enough How many times can you get knocked down ‘til you find some comfort in the ground? How many times can you say goodbye ‘til you enjoy the feeling of a bloodshot eye? It’s a long road back from where I’m headed I gotta figure it out ‘Cus some days just I’m hangin’ on by a memory An invisible thread that’s all in my head
4.
57 04:06
I can talk of love all that I want but it amounts to nothing but impure thoughts And I can stay a million miles away when I’m right beside you, half awake All I want is to talk with you for hours and hours, today But I’ve run out of words that sound like flowers in a vase You’re in my head a thousand times a day, then it’s radio silence I’m not a saint, so don’t treat me that way I act all connected, believe me I’m not Should I just be alone? I could use a friend much more than I could use a lover right now I wish that I could break down all of this to a pattern of lovers, but I can’t Should I just be alone?
5.
The Basement 03:40
I remember my first guitar It helped me start my first band We made some noise in the basement Our parents didn’t understand Played the big stage once or twice I had some loyal fans in my youth Now I’m lucky if a couple dozen people come out to hear what I do When my friends started gettin’ stoned I had a difficult time I missed the days of innocence Nothin’ but sex on our minds I fucked around in the basement My first time was after prom But I was more at home while I was lonely Or at least I wrote better songs I had a friend who came out to his parents They didn’t take it well We let him crash in our basement A short escape from his hell We lost touch for years and years Then I learned of his suicide Now every time I hear Pinkerton I can’t help but think of him When I came home after Freshman year My room was rearranged The bedsheets were rustled up and everything smelled strange My Dad took over my twin bed to sleep apart from my Mom This was no longer my basement This was no longer my home Sometimes I still miss the basement, my heaven underground Sometimes I still miss the basement, my heaven underground
6.
In my twenties I had two kids And I had to grow up real quick In my twenties I moved out of state And I stopped stayin' out late I don't want to seem unhappy 'cus I'm not This is an ode to my twenties, one third of my life I met my craziest ex and my beautiful wife I got my first tattoo, found a taste for wine I watched my parents walk down two separate aisles In my twenties I got pretty sick Right after I became a graduate In my twenties I got a "real" job I'm not doin' quite what I thought I don't want to seem ungrateful 'cus I'm not This is an ode to my twenties, one third of my life I met my craziest ex and my beautiful wife I got my first tattoo, found a taste for wine I watched my parents walk down two separate aisles
7.
What If 03:44
There are times when only a song can heal your heart I tried to write you one but I had no good place to start I couldn’t free my mind from the chains of failure fear Been stuck in dormancy for years What if I wasn’t enough? What if I was only alright? What if I’ve lived like a fool just waitin’ on a sign? What if I’d had more finesse? What if I saved my breath? What if I’d played by the rules? Would we be here tonight? There are times when only a song can ease your mind I tried to write you one but the words didn’t come out right I’ll search from coast to coast for some higher ground to stand I’d wait ‘til doomsday for your hand But what if that isn’t enough? What if we start to unwind? What if we spend all our days waitin’ on a sign? What if we run out of notes? What if my voice starts to choke? What if that song doesn’t heal? Where would we go from here?
8.
The skin's peeling off, the walls are coming down I listen close but I can't hear a sound Been trying to make sense of this empty room My head's a balloon, deflating with the mood Been swimming upstream the length of this river They say the hustle's the way but it don't deliver I've picked apart my memories countless times Now fossils are all I find Right on the money but the money's behind The skin's peeling off, the walls are coming down There's one too many stories to count I remember when this shit felt real I remember knowing how to feel Been spending my hours graspin' at straws Some days I feel like I'm just hovering on Can't hear the difference between wrong and right My tongue is silver but my eyes are too wide Right on the money but the money's behind The skin's peeling off, the walls are coming down I try too hard to be something profound All I really need is some peace of mind All I really need is a few more lines
9.
Upside Down 04:09
I look at all the things I have and wonder what I’ll outlive I think the same of everyone and I can barely hold it in Already know I’ll have regrets, already know I’ve missed out You can tango with the moon but it rarely comforts you One of these days, I won’t be afraid, no One of these days, we will learn to wait I may act like I’m awake, but I’m perpetually dreaming And even though you praise my name, one day I’ll be anonymous These will be halcyon days before we recognize them I want to know you’ll stick around, to know you’ll remember me One of these days, I won’t be afraid, no One of these days, we will tempt fate We’re all livin’ upside down
10.
Your mama raised you to be a church goin’ girl So how can I tell you, that that’s all delusion to me? Unheavenly - is that what you think about me? Unheavenly - is that what they’ll say about me? I don’t want to dwell on if there’s a heaven or hell I just want to love you while you let me/love you while I can If God is love, then what am I?

about

I wrote this record in the midst of a rather tumultuous battle with existentialism and mental health. It took me the better part of a year to find all the right words I needed to say, and they became the 20 songs on "First Person". This is the first half of that collection, a record very much about my own questions and demons and an occasional look back to where I came from. In so many words, this is a diary, and hopefully an ever-expanding one.

Despite being in a rough mental state while making this record, I had (have) a great support system in my life that means the world to me. My wife, my kids, my friends, my family... I can't thank them enough. Although this record is for me, it's dedicated to them.

Be kind. Love each other. You never know what someone is going through.

Thank you for listening to this labor of love.

credits

released April 13, 2018

First Person, Volume One was recorded sporadically throughout 2017 at home in Upstate New York.
Written, produced, engineered, mixed and mastered by TJ Foster.
All instruments performed by TJ Foster, except background vocals on "Brokenfine" by Lauren Foster.

Cover photo captured by Ryan Halverstadt years and years ago in The Basement referenced in Track 5.
Promo photos taken by Tarynn Sigmon.

All songs Copyright 2018 TJ Foster, All Rights Reserved.

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TJ Foster Albany, New York

Singer/songwriter from Upstate New York. Also a member of the folk-rock group, Darling Valley.

I like sad music, sad movies, sad books, etc. etc. - I'm really good at bumming people out. But equally as good at Dad jokes.

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